Why, Fan?

Do you ever feel like you’re trapped in condition and commitment you never signed up for?

Do you ever doing routine instead of something exciting every single day, and you don’t even know why you are there?

Do you ever feel like have a half identity filled in even before you speak?

I do.

And that’s why I quitted.

I’m a Muslim girl. At heart. At birth.

Raised in a very perfect family, I could say -in an Islamic family also.

I grew up understanding what is God, why is God. What is Jesus, what is Buddha. My Father was a theolog, I could say.

He was preaching God, to all human kind in this world. LOL, No JK.. only to his students.

But the thing that no one ever guessed, and wonder was; Both of my parents are very open to the idea of anything. My father is a Muslim, but he read the Bible.

The thing that we remember about our father (We: Avesena the siblings), Islam is the peace. We create and generate peace. If you don’t feel so, you are doing it wrong.

Coming from a very solid family,

I grew up in a militant Islamic school.

I could say, my parents chose the school then I agreed. But I believe they are the best school I should attend. Until at this point, I still believe.

Wearing hijab was obligated, since elementary.

I didn’t even realize that I actually have a choice.

Then be it.

Growing up wearing hijab, since knowing only about yo-yo.

Until knowing about kissing

Until getting sex education.

With zero break.

Zero bails.

Zero single photo was taken without it.

I grew up very close with tumblr if you remember.

All the suicide thoughts are there, LGBT coming out, Sex and freedom were there.

Internet era.

No changes.

No thoughts, still.

Going to Chinese Kingdom university.

Knowing people smokin' hard, smokin' leaf, party hard, alcohol, pills.

No changes.

No thoughts, still.

Study abroad.

Living Europe YOLO life.

Being warned.

Being asked.

Being scared.

Being so SURE.

No changes.

No thought, still.

Graduated.

Real life, first job.

Then the thoughts are coming.

Questions like:

“why am I here?”

“why should I?”

“what the fuck is this?”

“why everyone got to choose but I don’t”

The comments about

“fake hijab”

“naughty”

“you don’t represent what you wear”

“you’re acting so nasty”

“you are muslim you should be like blah. Blah. Blah”

“you’re muslim you must be standing with FPI”

“you’re Muslim then you shouldn’t or wouldn’t be smoking”

“you’re muslim then you can’t drink alcohol”

“so sad to see You are muslim, but not standing with Islamic way of life. Ur standing on LQBT, Chinese friends, Chinese governs”

Until

“you got too many non-muslim friends, fan. Come back.”

You can guess or might know my reaction if you ever threw those to me:

Either ‘haha’

Or

“wkwk”

“bodo”

More “haha”

But I also never realized, that those actually linger.

Too bad, ya?

I was even thinking “I might be living in too wide world. I know too many stuff when I actually shouldn’t”.”

Then this is the work life.

Meeting new people, talking to different people and the same red line I got.

The eyes or sometimes the words said “Oh, you are Muslim.  So, you must be a very good person”

The first time I got that, you might guess what I would say:

“hahaha ameen”

The second time would be “hahaha thanks”

And the latest one would be “too bad that I’m not, sorry to disappoint you”

My decision is very near to political situation here in Indonesia.

Starting from Ahok, 212, Ahok-Anis, Jokowi-Prabowo, PKS, FPI.

Btw, I care about those stuff, I made and had opinions and not often is very unpopular with the majority of my clans.

And the fact that I should and must be standing on the side of Islamic behavior and petitions had pissed me off. I would be standing on EVERYTHING that I believe, and I think was right.

Example:

I would agree Ahok got punished, not only because Im muslim.

Because I think he did wrong.

I’m sick of the standard that everyone gets the right to say what should I am and got to choose to understand me just because that was the think they believe.

Im sick of having identity before I even speak my mind.

Im sick of people tell me what I should even think of the world.

I want you to know that Im muslim, when I let you to know.

I want you to know that I voted for Prabowo not because he has PKS at the back.

I want you to know Im not good.

I have sin.

I don’t have the right to tell you what to do just because you see me as hijab girl.

Im not saint.

I smoke.

I drink.

I hug people.

I curse.

I lie.

I support LGBT.

I don’t care about other people’s life choice.

I don’t preach people just because they do free sex.

I don’t preach people with tattoos.

And I DON’T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU, ME OR ANYBODY IN THE WORLD WOULD BE GOING TO HELL OR HEAVEN.

I don’t know if your tattoos or your sex habit or your lust or your abortion experience will actually bring you to hell.

Man, seriously I DON’T KNOW.

This what I know for sure:

Shouting to your parents is never right

Talking bad about other people is bad.

Being a corruptor is bad.

Lying is bad.

Say people kafir is bad

Say people will go to hell is not your goddamn business.

You can choose anything in the world

Killing animal of abusive reason is bad

Littering is bad.

Thinking that you are absolutely right is not right.

Giving your money to those who need is cool.

And be nice to people is the least thing we should do, if we can’t help.

That’s all I know. And that’s all what I want to believe.

I’m a sinner.

I knew.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure I am.

I’m fine now.

This is the background; family is another part of the story.

But to put this in a nutshell: they are cool. Cooler than yours.

Haha!

This is the why people.

I’m only showing more of my skin.

Im sure I wouldn’t put you to jail for this.

I survived Europe with it. 

Its impossible happening for a very small debate at heart. 

welcome me. 

we will have coffee.