a story about:

Do you ever feel like you’re trapped in condition and commitment you never signed up for? Do you ever doing routine instead of something exciting every single day, and you don’t even know why you are there? Do you ever feel like have a half identity filled in even before you speak? I do. And that’s why I quitted. I’m a Muslim girl. At heart. At birth. Raised in a very perfect family, I could say -in an Islamic family also. I grew up understanding what is God, why is God. What is Jesus, what is Buddha. My Father was a theolog, I could say. He was preaching God, to all human kind in this world. LOL, No JK.. only to his students. But the thing that no one ever guessed, and wonder was; Both of my parents are very open to the idea of anything. My father is a Muslim, but he read the Bible. The thing that we remember about our father (We: Avesena the siblings), Islam is the peace. We create and generate peace. If you don’t feel so, you are doing it ...

Dear us,  if you are a best friend of someone, this is a tiny reminder about how they actually need.  if you are a best friend of someone,  make sure that you remember them when you travel. whisper their names so you guys can be there together someday. if you are a best friend of someone, dont forget to appreciate their works, notice the progress they did. if you are a best friend of someone,  dont forget to compliment their look, say they look beautiful today, if you are a best friend of someone, I know that they would understand you as well as your thought. but, put effort to meet them.  say it that you need to meet them as eager as them. if you are a best friend of someone,  you are half of their minds, their soul, their time. be there to fulfill your space.  do what they cant but they need.  because, you cant promise that you would stay, neither do they.

Dear sad self, please be more patient about your ambition. I know it would be so hard to stay calm on every situation. I know you want to finish every line right at the moment popped up. I know its hard to think before you talk. I know you want to react over things so fast. Dear sad self, but please be more patient about your sadness. the situation wouldnt last longer than your tears after it. this situation isnt as bad as your imagination. nothing as bad as your fear. Dear sad self, I know its really sad to be alone. to cry alone to talk to other people. Dear sad self, I know that people wouldnt understand I know that people would just say that it shall pass. I know that people wouldnt really want to know about you. and your sad heart. Dear My self, please heal. I need you.

What if you take the other way around that day? not to show regression or ungrateful feeling I just want to let you wonder What if on that turning point of your life, You took the other way around instead of this way can you imagine what life you would have now? What if you stay months longer what if you listen mum more what if you trust him more what if you didn't give up Again, not to show regression or ungrateful feelings. Just to let you wonder What if 'giving another chance' also means good. What if staying over leaving also means good.

Fan, This could be your blast from your past. This is 2 days after the announcement of your first company. 2 days left before your first day. I dont know what you're feeling now. some people may predict that you will hella tired. but I know you will be fine. Please be fine. That is your dream. You almost cry because they told you little bit late after your expectation. Fan, If you ever think to stop and give up. please think about how many prays that clouded upon your position today. Do cry, but keep going. Fan, you are so happy now. SO HAPPY. I dont know whether you still remember your feelings or not. but if I can tell you, you are thrilled because you're so happy. you worry about your first day, and how you can be impressive. fan, you know you can because people around you can do it. This is would be your blast from the past.

Im afraid that I couldn't hold back.  Im afraid that I will be gone without showing my love.  Im afraid of unspoken words. Im afraid that I get shot when Im angry. Im afraid that I will stuck in boring time. Im afraid that I don't leave smile on people's face. Im afraid my surroundings don't know that my life was all about them and I love them. Im afraid that they were stay just because I stay.  or Pieces of their lives would be blew away with my ashes. Im afraid that I couldn't survive a pain when its really painful. Im afraid Im losing my battle. Im afraid that someday I would give up and be Home with regression.

Today's post is to show gratitude about how happy I can be this week. went on a trip with good friends. taking break from Uni because tired. sleep to midnight calls with friends. lately, life was so packed. exhausting. but there are some things that make us smile at the same time. talking to friend in France and exchange infos. Im happy because friends can be so significant happy-agent in my life. Im happy because I can be happy. Lately, universe is so sweet. to be able to smile in the middle of the rush. Thank you.

I dont know the concept of taking break in loving.  you let our lover to 'have fun' with someone else is a break, they said.  I dont understand the concept of taking break in loving.  how cant you have coffee and read some books? or playing video games without chatting? or going somewhere alone.  or hang out with your hoods. I dont know why taking break means hurting. I cant believe some people would take that and agree.  I know life is boring. being with a person for 20 or 50 years is boring.  I know. I really want to believe that your break is still about you,  its not about us or about me.  I hate the thought that everyone can be forgiven.  I hate the fact that thought would lead people do same shits. over and over and over. just because they can apologise and be forgiven. 

Turned 20 this year on the mid of Jan but Im busy packing and holding farewell for my leave. I said so many times that Im not sad of leaving. but in this last days. its so hard. its so hard to leave another place I called home for the last 5 months. its so hard to leave people I call 'nearest family and friends' for the last 5 months. I couldn't hold the tears when I leave them. because we know we may not be able to see each other again later or forever. because maybe its the last time. maybe we would over after the memories we made here. How it feels to turn age in somebody's place, you ask? Grateful. because now I realised this is also my place. I have been lived here. been eating and drinking from its land. been paid its tax. been missing the ambiance. and been loved with the people. being far away told me really lots even tons of things that I could not even elaborate. but it made me who I am today. I really believe something has changed inside. at l...

I really want to have a good life. having time to have tea at a park. complete friend around. lying down on a grass. and take pictures of bestfriends. isnt that good?

I am so amazed about how people can bring so many memories Like a time machine, like a ship that never feel the edge We can be so far away separated, but there is always a line that we can finally meet up and feel the pain and laugh again. And we will finally realize that we accepted so much love earlier and we amazed how could we be that amazing. People are so cruel yet entertaining. Like how they can make us laugh about the memory they can serve. They really don’t want us to grow as we are now. *Laughing* We really don’t need to grow up, do we? I wouldn’t be so surprise if actually growing up and adultness is only a conspiracy of people who couldn’t stand any longer from where they are standing. People really come and go, yes. But they never forget, like you do, girl. They can remember everything you cant. They can accept everything you cant. Don’t underestimate people. They are also human. Like...