a story about:

I love the way you ask questions I love the way you want to know about my life, about my day, about my dreams. I love how you answer my questions. Your glimpse, your eyes' sparks. please stay a little longer. I know it wont work out. I know we wont work out. but please, stay little bit longer.

Tidakkah kau ingat, Bahwa aku bukan burung itu lagi. Burung yang membawa kabar untukmu   Burung yang bisa kau panggil pulang Bahkan kau terbangkan sesuka hatimu Tidakkah kau sadar, Bahwa aku bukan burung itu lagi Burung yang merekahkan sayapnya di hadapanmu Burung yang indah dan menari Burung yang bahagia dan kembali. Sadarlah, Aku hanya burung yang pergi.

Lille, Jan 23rd 2016 07.11 am in -4 Dc  Im on my train going to Charles de Gaulle Airport, writing while crying. Shares hug with Tante because she took me to Lille Europe. Maybe would be the last time being here again in a moment.  I really never know where this life would take me to. After all the dreams that I made and this journey that I have done. I really have no idea.  I wouldn't be fully home again because I leave my heart to the people I left here, they said. But I wouldn't regret anything.  Tante asked me whether I regret anything of my staying and the only answer is 'how can I?'  I chose this journey at the first place.  I really want to stop whining about how sad I am. Bu Im too sad to stop.  I never wanted to be away so far, maybe because I don't want to have another goodbyes. I don't want to leave 'for good' as people said.  I should be really awake to understand that I would have 'see you again' after 'hah...

Turned 20 this year on the mid of Jan but Im busy packing and holding farewell for my leave. I said so many times that Im not sad of leaving. but in this last days. its so hard. its so hard to leave another place I called home for the last 5 months. its so hard to leave people I call 'nearest family and friends' for the last 5 months. I couldn't hold the tears when I leave them. because we know we may not be able to see each other again later or forever. because maybe its the last time. maybe we would over after the memories we made here. How it feels to turn age in somebody's place, you ask? Grateful. because now I realised this is also my place. I have been lived here. been eating and drinking from its land. been paid its tax. been missing the ambiance. and been loved with the people. being far away told me really lots even tons of things that I could not even elaborate. but it made me who I am today. I really believe something has changed inside. at l...

I will fly to home in 10 days from the day I post it. how happy I am that you can imagine. everyone here is expecting I would get so sad and not wanting to be back. but I swear there is nothing I want to do now besides being landed in CGK.

Im wondering how people could die. I was spending nights watching drama lately, and I realised that people don't only die because their hearts stop. but they die because their heart couldn't hold the pain anymore. is it true? do you think we may not be able to live anymore because we have lived in so many pains? I saw people die when someone shots their body part but not exactly his heart. is it true its because they couldnt handle the pain anymore? and finally he gave up, and he died?

Today, Dec 24th 2016 Around at 9.15am in Milan With 3degree C . I saw a girl in the train looked at me just to spread her smile. Im so touched how she could be really kind hearted. Why not every parent teach our children to that kind of human being. Whether her parents ever told her about giving smile to stranger, or she initiated her self. Its still good, kindness wouldn't happen so sudden. Because I ever experienced being blamed by the parents just because I started a talk with her baby girl. She became so angry, even I didnt touch her baby girl. After that, Im so careful even to smile to children. Parents build their children to be like everything they wished or they wanted. Even with names they put on their children. I really hope that I could be the parents who can taught my children about giving smile to strangers. Because smile means acceptance, smile means kindness. Because maybe my children wouldnt be able to give anything but kindness around this cruel world. This...

Its Dec 20th at 16:39 in Amsterdam from 3rd floor of Primark in Damark st, 0 degree outside.   And from where I sit Im glad and grateful for what I saw this year, for being in every dream city of everyone. Being able to travel before anyone I know. Seeing how beauty this world could show, and prove how nice this place could be.   This should be a blast from the past, no matter what you are having now: its fine for feeling everything you are feeling right now.   Im in Amsterdam when Im missing my home deathly.  

Its 4.41 am in Lille.   Im in the bus going to Amsterdam, going with Soo Ji, Yunha, and Yoshua.   We spread because the bus is so shitty, they dont have seats for us sitting together. The smell of the bus is like a bear cage, I dont know how many days they stayed at the bus and where they started to travel with the bus. The bus is like holding people's poo. Im chatting with Yoshua now because someone on his side is also smells bad.  Its going to be my blast from the past and this would be my moment of laugh.  

You are not bitter anymore. ur sweet yet sour. you can feel it, no? now you know whether is it love that lingers or the guilty that haunts. you can tell, now? whether you want it or not. You are not my tea anymore. you are the milk. you dont have the caffeine. but now, you're healthy. you're keeping the beating. you're keeping the feeling.

Lille, December 3rd 2016. Today is Saturday at 12.25 and Im just woke up at this moment, outside weather is stuck in 2 degree. I dont have nothing on the plan list besides riding Ferish-wheel on the night, later. If future me reading this, remember that you sent virtual hugs to the people you meet today in home. you are missing them to death now. you are missing how they can hug you until you couldn't even feel the pain ur having at work. you are missing them until you cried over night on this last days. This is would be the postcard from the past. Im missing home from A to D.