a story about:

Im turning 21! Today! Yay

Happy new year! I love 2017. Not as big as 2016, but 2017 is also lovely. it was good. it was tough. I am grateful for feeling content, knowing that I am actually depressed, for bestfriends that stayed, for long internships. I learned How to drive seriously driving as in drive for my mommy, I learned how the office works and situated, I learned that friendship is always taking 2 sides, I said sorry enough I think. I have not slim yet (which was my bucket list on 2015), I have not remember things that much, I have not making the surroundings matter most. And I wish, I would be slim, I get a job, I graduate, then done.

Did I change? Am I making everything’s cold? am I making distance? Am i making too much assumptions? am i too afraid? am i asked too many questions? are you letting me go? are you tired of me? are you going? I miss you.   or.. do I miss you? or do I miss me when Im with you? Im sorry. Im taking us so seriously. Im keeping us so seriously. I order friendship for real. I made bestfriend for life. Im sorry if the name 'bestfriend' bothers you that much. But really... Talk to me. . . . . please?

I see you from the jar you gave me. you're smiling so happily. you said love is giving. friendship is giving. relationship is giving. and we agreed to that. but at some points told us that we died after getting zero in returns.

at some points we wish to stay for the same thing. then coming to wish for stay strong but after all the years we have been so strong... -we even tried so hard to stay sane, because we wanted to be so strong to even break a wall. at the end.. we just wish we stay alive. at least we are alive. Mas.. Its okay. thats okay to break something for the first time. because we grow for you we grow with you. I love you. couldnt hug you as much as you need it. but Im hugging you so tight. so tight.

When you realized how hard this life to treat you right.  You wouldnt feel like it to treat people real’ bad.  You Would choose to be so kind and nice ‘till even people think you dont deserve them.  and even when you are the nicest person in the universe and you learnt to love the imperfections of someone, people still wouldnt believe you.  people will think that your standard would kill them. you fake it you are mean. until at a point, people will push you to have no standard at all to love.

I dont know whether she would be fine without you.   but she’s fine with you.   let her stay.   maybe your coffee hurts,   but your milk dont. just mix its cool.

mungkin ada 1000 orang yang meminta kamu duduk mendengar sekarang. tapi rasanya ada juga yang bahagia mendengar kamu berbicara. senang rasanya mendengar kamu bercerita. tentang mimpi milikmu tentang ketakutanmu tentang beban hidup mu tentang rencana hidupmu kepercayaan dirimu gundahmu tentang kepanikanmu setiap pagi ada yang senang mendengar jawaban serius dari pertanyaan "bagaimana hidup akhir akhir ini?" ada yang berharap jawaban panjang. ada yang berharap jawaban jujur. ada yang bertanya dengan berpikir tentang kamu. bukan tentang aku. ada yang senang duduk di coffee shop sampai jam 1 pagi dan tidak hentinya berbicara. ada yang menginginkan kamu. ada yang menghargai kehadiranmu. waktumu ceritamu ada yang benar benar menunggu kamu berbicara. jangan putus harapan. jangan bersedih lagi. aku tau yang kamu rasakan. aku juga dengar. aku percaya dengan ketakutanmu. tapi aku juga ada. jangan putus harapan. jangan bersedih lagi.

Dear us,  if you are a best friend of someone, this is a tiny reminder about how they actually need.  if you are a best friend of someone,  make sure that you remember them when you travel. whisper their names so you guys can be there together someday. if you are a best friend of someone, dont forget to appreciate their works, notice the progress they did. if you are a best friend of someone,  dont forget to compliment their look, say they look beautiful today, if you are a best friend of someone, I know that they would understand you as well as your thought. but, put effort to meet them.  say it that you need to meet them as eager as them. if you are a best friend of someone,  you are half of their minds, their soul, their time. be there to fulfill your space.  do what they cant but they need.  because, you cant promise that you would stay, neither do they.

There is always the day  someone fuck you up by giving you mean comments  but thats okay.  because everybody got one,  and they were alright. you must be so sad or angry, but you will be alright too. 

If I was really going to go, you are the only person that I poke on the back.  But I didnt Instead, I see you go. you caught my eyes when our eyes met,  you take it as you took my hand the other day.  I didnt hear you say any goodbyes, or wave like you mean it. I didnt see you coming back in anytime soon.